WEDNESDAY'S JOB INTERVIEW

I’m going for a new job and I’ve just come back from the second interview. It was the most toe curling, cringe making, humiliating experience that is…. the second interview.

I firstly received ‘feedback’ from the assessment day.
“Maths not great, certainly not what we’d hoped but verbal reasoning? Appalling”. I shrivelled up inside like a slug that had been drenched in salt.
“So appalling that we were shocked” O…M….G what can I say now? I came out with some rather pathetic excuse about anyone being nervous on the day and but I realise I need to improve in this area. Worryingly, I had even rehearsed this bit after some advice from my friend Anne, a professional recruiter.

Then came the killer, “Considering you told us what a great saleswoman you were, we all, that is all three of us,” top honcho pointing to the row of people opposite me looking like a very mean gang, “noticed how quiet you were at lunch.”

Time to bluster, find the connection between me and them, justify my very existence for being sat in front of the Grand Jury,
“A good sales person listens to what the customer wants and doesn’t need to shout above the crowd.” Dynamite answer. It’s 2:1 (to them but at least I scored 1)!!! Now look me in the eye and tell me I’m not a cut above the rest.

Top Honcho replies “Yes, but you were supposed to be selling yourself to me.” It came quietly, without emotion. Blank face and tilted head…steady eyes awaiting response. I gazed past her whilst trying to look natural. I smiled my ‘enigmatic’ smile and tried to look gracious. But, it was game and set to her.

Following lots of hypothetical questions about what I might do if I went over-budget, how I manage competitors, what my marketing proposal would be, the final countdown began. “So why should we offer you the job?” I mean, what the hell are you supposed to reply to that?

Examples:
‘If you don’t I’ll kill myself’
‘Because I’ve nowhere else to go’
‘I’m so desperate I’ll lick your shoes every morning if you do’

I breathed deep and gave the appropriate answer: Because I bring to the table a blend of….with a richness that no other coffee can offer. Or words to that effect.

Afterwards, in the car, my body winced every ten seconds as I recalled my dodgy answers. And I felt so pissed off that I had to justify myself to another human being. Why God, Why? But, what I couldn’t figure out was why they invited me back. It would seem that there was nothing they liked about me. I should have said that. I should have stood up and demanded the WHOLE TRUTH SO HELP ME GOD.

Thursday

Just had a phone call. I’ve been offered the job!