CRY, BABY CRY

I had a really good cry last weekend. Not just a few tears. I howled! Great gulping bucketfuls of heart wrenching tears. I was writhing on my bed holding my stomach and sobbing out loud. It came from right inside and there was nowhere deeper to go. And, once I got going, I went for it. I’m surprised no one dialled 999 I was making such a noise. I let go of trying to hold everything in. For a whole hour (yes, it is quite an effort to keep it up that long) I handed everything over to…don’t know…but I stopped trying to control it all and I let it all out! And, boy, did I cry.

The reason? My Grandmother is dying. She’s given me the maternal nurturing throughout my life. but now she’s 96 and on her way out. She says it’s time to go and – good on her – I respect her for it. But for me, it’s a great loss and the importance of the loss dawned on me this weekend.

I sobbed for the mother figure I was losing but also my real mother that never was, and most importantly, the mother I always dreamt about but never had. All I had ever wanted was a cosy mummy who would sit me on her knee and rub my back and tell me the world was fine and that I was OK. That was it. First – last – and everything. I never wanted anything more. I wept over the lost dream and for all the dreams that never came true.

And when I finished there were literally no more tears left (unless I gulped down a litre of water). I sat up and patted my streaky face, straightened my hair and got on with the rest of the day. And what a day it was. It felt as though all the worries I had been carrying around for months had gone. I was cleansed. The tears had purged me of all the sorrow and disappointment. The ton of stress I had lugged on my back had washed away with a shed load of debris.

And a week later I’m left feeling light, positive, content and stress free. I’ve got my old perspective back i.e. how important is it? I’ve stopped yearning for something different. I’m much happier with what I’ve got. Long may it last.

It’s quite amazing how a build up of stress can have quite such a powerful influence on everything, not just the thing I’m stressed about. Stress is like a dam and when it builds up it blocks everything up until the river stops flowing. Tears unblock it and then everything else is set free. I will remind myself of this next time. Tears before bedtime? Sound good to me.